Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Kids College Support in a divorce

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

If my daughter and wife take out private college loans and I am not the co-signer (my wife only), will the courts try to split this up and force me to pay if we divorce? My daughter is headed to freshman yr at college and will need to take private loans every year -because we don’t have the money for this expensive educ. We live in MA and a woman friend who has been thru it says this is what will happen? B

This is definitely a question for your attorney.

Abuse

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

My husband of 30 years has emotionally; three times physically and financially abused me. I left him about 6 weeks ago after two years of therapy. He now is saying how much he loves me; and couldn’t imagine his life without me. We are in marriage counseling but how can I trust him again? My therapist says he is a “classic abuser” but I am not so sure. Is there any hope of getting back together again? T

Dear T,
There is hope, but you need a lot of assurance before we’d urge you to live with this man again. It’s great that he has gone into marriage counseling with you, but has he gone for counseling individually to work on his anger and power issues? That seems essential on two counts: one to assure your future happiness together, but another to demonstrate clearly that he recognizes his need to change his behavior permanently, and his willingness to acquire the tools to do it. Don’t rush back; six weeks is not nearly long enough for him to demonstrate real conviction.

The purpose of marriage?

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

Recently I considered marrying my boyfriend because he is from India and his Visa was running out, and he couldn’t get a job during the recession. I ended up deciding it wasn’t right for me right now, and not for the right reasons, even though I could see myself marrying him eventually. My parents were very against it, too. Luckily, he found a job in the last minute, and we are now closer than ever. But the big question I have, now that I’ve thought about it so much, is: What is the purpose of marriage? Some say to raise a family, some say for financial reasons, some for religious reasons, some say for security… but what’s the true purpose? Do you need to be married to be fully committed to eachother? Just curious what you think on this topic. I know there is no right or wrong answer, really. Thanks. N

Dear N,
Yours is a very interesting and profound philosophical question which far too few people ask themselves before embarking on a marriage. Marriage certainly can satisfy all the things you describe, but it’s much more than that. Commitment is a process. The marriage ceremony is one step in the process, an important one. It publicly announces to the whole community that you two affirm to all that you are partners with the intention of being partners for life. We, the authors, have been together for 15 years and we still feel that we are becoming more committed and married as time goes by. We lived together for 4 years before we got married and there was a genuine difference for both of us when we decided to take that step.

To get to the other part of your question, “What is the purpose of marriage?” in our opinion one gets married to have a partner, a companion to share your life with. In our book and on our website, www.howtoknowifitstimetogo.com, we offer a Marriage Bill of Rights which describes all the positive things that a married couple should provide for one another. Check it out.

Affair after 50 years

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

My wife and I have been married for 51 yrs. Recently I discovered my wife has been carrying on a love affair via email for more than a year. She claims that I do not pay enough attention to her. The other man is 82 yrs old and an old friend. She claims she has always had a special place in her heart for him. She also says she loves me a lot. I have emailed him asking him to end this for the sake of our families. His wife is in the beginning stages of alzheimers and does not have any sexual outlet. He lives in Florida and plans to visit our town in Aug. I have invitied him to visit US if he so chooses. I love my wife deeply. M

Dear M,
Your situation is serious; your happiness and your marriage sound like they are at stake. You must recognize that no one can come between a couple unless there is already space. Your wife is telling you that there is a large distance between the two of you created, at least in large measure, by your lack of attention to her. There may be other issues between you as well, and on both your parts. Because the situation is so serious why don’t you go together and seek marriage counseling to find out how such a big space opened between you and how you can start to close it?

We do agree with you that your wife needs to choose between you and the other gentleman. Assuming that she wants to stay married to you, she should end the other relationship. You are playing with fire by inviting him to your home and considering him a dear old friend. He betrayed you. He is obviously needy because of his wife’s condition and should consider seeking therapy himself to try to deal with his grief about possibly losing his wife

Divorce Rate

Saturday, September 11th, 2010

Is divorce rate still hovering 50%? Is not unusual for a marriage to be 12, 15 even 20 or 30 years old and still divorcing? Do separations occur as a way to gain perspective- not necessarily the next step to divorce but to have space to try working on issues? Do marriages stay in counseling for over 10 years? For longer? How much can one settle and tolerate? Is there such a thing as chemistry between 2 people? If physical intimacy is great at the get go, can it last forever? K

Dear K,
You have many questions. Are you worried only about your own marriage, or thinking about your parents’ marriage as well? Your questions bridge different age ranges. Here are answers. Yes, divorce rates are still high in the U.S. and Western Europe, about 40%. Yes, people divorce sometimes after many years of marriage. We don’t recommend separations except as a last resort. Our experience tells us that most separations do end in divorce. Rarely does counseling last anything like ten years. People vary enormously in their ability as to what they can or will tolerate from a spouse. Yes, there is such a thing as chemistry and it can last, sometimes forever, although it changes over and over as time goes by which is what keeps it fresh.