Archive for the ‘article’ Category

Womans Divorce

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Is It Time To Go Your Separate Ways

How do you know if it’s time to go your separate ways or give your marriage another chance? So many people in the middle of a relationship crisis struggle with this decision. If you’re on the brink of divorce, the following article can give you some things to consider before you make your decision.

How to Know If It’s Time to Go
By Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.
Ann and Gary have two children. When Gary is home his major interest is watching sports TV. Ann longs to be more social with family and friends. She’d like to talk more with Gary. He says there is nothing much to talk about, and besides, she talks too much. Gary often criticizes Ann. He thinks Ann is too strict with their children. She thinks he’s uninvolved. Their lack of communication and closeness has spread to their sex life which is neither frequent nor enjoyable. She has lost respect for Gary, and feels he doesn’t treat her with respect. When Gary has aggravation at work, Ann no longer feels sympathetic. Ann feels the life has gone out of their marriage; it has become an empty shell. She may be right. Ann, like millions of married women, lies awake at night asking herself “Is this all I can expect out of life? Are we just going through a rough patch? Would I be happier if I divorced?” How does anyone having problems in their marriage, know if it’s time to go? Ending a marriage is one of life’s most difficult decisions. Before making it, a person should leave no stone unturned in trying to heal and bring life back to their marriage.
Try to Fix It
Open a dialogue: Ann needs to open a dialogue with Gary. She needs to be clear about  what she is troubled by. In our book, How to Know If It’s Time to Go, we offer a “Marriage Test,” a “Marriage Bill of Rights,” and “The Nine Areas,” these are the areas all couples must resolve differences in. With these tools Ann can identify where the strengths and weaknesses are in her marriage.
Ann must impress Gary with how serious their situation is. Many times a spouse won’t take the other seriously until they believe that, if things don’t change, it will mean the end of the marriage. They need to have a two way discussion in which they each express their disappointments and wishes for their relationship. Each needs to understand that they have to take some responsibility for getting to this low point. It can’t just be a blame game. If they can’t start communicating with each other, there is little hope that the relationship can improve.
Seek help
It would be ideal if Ann could convince Gary to go with her to speak with a counselor or a clergyman, or join a marriage support group. If he won’t, she should go alone. To fix the marriage both people will need to make changes, but Ann can’t control Gary. All she can do is make changes she can make which might help their relationship. After trying to do what she can, if nothing changes, she should deal with her fears of
separation.
Deal with Your Fears
People fear the impact that separating will have on their children, their finances and themselves. Most of what they fear is not what happens for the vast majority of people, although life’s routines are disrupted during a transition period after separation.
The facts: Here are facts that would be helpful for Ann, or anyone considering divorce, to know:
75% of women remarry; 83% of men remarry
most children’s school performance and behavior improves within a couple of years of their parents’ unhappy marriage ending
within a few years, most men’s and women’s standards of living rebound to approximately where they were prior to divorce
most divorced fathers live near their children, see them regularly, and reliably pay child support
two thirds of all divorces are initiated by women; the major reason women give for ending marriages is their husbands’ unwillingness to mature or change
most divorces are settled amicably, not in court.
Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written HOW TO KNOW IF IT’S TIME TO GO: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.

Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation.By: Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D. & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.Troubled marriages make people sick. It may be your mental health that suffers, or it may be your physical health, or both, but, one way or another, troubled marriages make you sick. Research consistently proves that men and women in troubled marriages, and their children, suffer physical and mental ailments at a far higher rate than either the general population or people in happy marriages. Your family’s health suffers whether you and your mate argue openly, or you sweep your differences under the rug.Every couple argues sometimes. What’s injurious to people’s health is when the arguments are frequent, and, most important, remain unresolved. Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation. What they don’t realize is that years of stifling your real feelings and your own point of view take a toll. You and your whole family pay a price for your accepting disrespect from your spouse, and behaving with excessive self denial.That price is likely to be your physical and/or mental health.

Here’s what research has proven about the connection between marital discord andfamily health:* After a couple argues wounds such as cuts take 40% longer to heal than normal.* Women who have critical husbands suffer increased frequency and severity of lower back pain, headaches and arthritis.* After a heart attack the likelihood of having a second one is twice as great among people in troubled marriages.* Men in unhappy marriages have weaker immune systems than men in happy marriages.* People in troubled marriages have a higher frequency of periodontal disease, high blood pressure, obesity, stomach ulcers, premature signs of aging, and type-2 diabetes.* Children and adults from families with troubled marriages suffer much greater frequency of colds, stomach aches, asthma, rashes, headaches, and diarrhea.* Children from families with troubled marriages exhibit more frequent behavior problems, poorer school performance, use more drugs and alcohol, and engage in sexual behavior at earlier ages than their peers from happy families.* People in unhappy marriages have more sleep problems, more depression, more anxiety, and more irritability.* People living in unhappy marriages have more frequent accidents, including automobile accidents.

In How To Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10 Step Reality Test for Your Marriage, we provide a “Marriage Test” and a “Marriage Bill of Rights” as tools to help couples open a dialogue and diagnose what the areas of their disagreement are and how they can take actions to resolve them. So it’s very important for you and all the members of your family that you do a reality check on your marriage, figure out what needs to be resolved if there are problems, and take those steps.About the Authors:Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written How to Know if It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.Is It Time To Go Your Separate WaysHow do you know if it’s time to go your separate ways or give your marriage another chance? So many people in the middle of a relationship crisis struggle with this decision.

If you’re on the brink of divorce, the following article can give you some things to consider before you make your decision.How to Know If It’s Time to GoBy Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.Ann and Gary have two children. When Gary is home his major interest is watching sports TV. Ann longs to be more social with family and friends. She’d like to talk more with Gary. He says there is nothing much to talk about, and besides, she talks too much. Gary often criticizes Ann. He thinks Ann is too strict with their children. She thinks he’s uninvolved. Their lack of communication and closeness has spread to their sex life which is neither frequent nor enjoyable. She has lost respect for Gary, and feels he doesn’t treat her with respect. When Gary has aggravation at work, Ann no longer feels sympathetic. Ann feels the life has gone out of their marriage; it has become an empty shell. She may be right.

Ann, like millions of married women, lies awake at night asking herself “Is this all I can expect out of life? Are we just going through a rough patch? Would I be happier if I divorced?” How does anyone having problems in their marriage, know if it’s time to go? Ending a marriage is one of life’s most difficult decisions. Before making it, a person should leave no stone unturned in trying to heal and bring life back to their marriage.Try to Fix ItOpen a dialogue: Ann needs to open a dialogue with Gary. She needs to be clear about  what she is troubled by.

In our book, How to Know If It’s Time to Go, we offer a “Marriage Test,” a “Marriage Bill of Rights,” and “The Nine Areas,” these are the areas all couples must resolve differences in. With these tools Ann can identify where the strengths and weaknesses are in her marriage.Ann must impress Gary with how serious their situation is. Many times a spouse won’t take the other seriously until they believe that, if things don’t change, it will mean the end of the marriage. They need to have a two way discussion in which they each express their disappointments and wishes for their relationship. Each needs to understand that they have to take some responsibility for getting to this low point. It can’t just be a blame game. If they can’t start communicating with each other, there is little hope that the relationship can improve.

Is It Time to Go Your Separate Ways?

People fear the impact that separating will have on their children, their finances and themselves. Most of what they fear is not what happens for the vast majority of people, although life’s routines are disrupted during a transition period after separation.The facts: Here are facts that would be helpful for Ann, or anyone considering divorce, to know:75% of women remarry; 83% of men remarrymost children’s school performance and behavior improves within a couple of years of their parents’ unhappy marriage endingwithin a few years, most men’s and women’s standards of living rebound to approximately where they were prior to divorcemost divorced fathers live near their children, see them regularly, and reliably pay child supporttwo thirds of all divorces are initiated by women; the major reason women give for ending marriages is their husbands’ unwillingness to mature or changemost divorces are settled amicably, not in court.

Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written HOW TO KNOW IF IT’S TIME TO GO: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.

Not Just The Kitchen

Monday, July 12th, 2010

Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation.

By: Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D. & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.
Troubled marriages make people sick. It may be your mental health that suffers, or it may be your physical health, or both, but, one way or another, troubled marriages make you sick. Research consistently proves that men and women in troubled marriages, and their children, suffer physical and mental ailments at a far higher rate than either the general population or people in happy marriages. Your family’s health suffers whether you and your mate argue openly, or you sweep your differences under the rug.
Every couple argues sometimes. What’s injurious to people’s health is when the arguments are frequent, and, most important, remain unresolved. Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation. What they don’t realize is that years of stifling your real feelings and your own point of view take a toll. You and your whole family pay a price for your accepting disrespect from your spouse, and behaving with excessive self denial.
That price is likely to be your physical and/or mental health. Here’s what research has proven about the connection between marital discord and
family health:
* After a couple argues wounds such as cuts take 40% longer to heal than normal.
* Women who have critical husbands suffer increased frequency and severity of lower back pain, headaches and arthritis.
* After a heart attack the likelihood of having a second one is twice as great among people in troubled marriages.
* Men in unhappy marriages have weaker immune systems than men in happy marriages.
* People in troubled marriages have a higher frequency of periodontal disease, high blood pressure, obesity, stomach ulcers, premature signs of aging, and type-2 diabetes.
* Children and adults from families with troubled marriages suffer much greater frequency of colds, stomach aches, asthma, rashes, headaches, and diarrhea.
* Children from families with troubled marriages exhibit more frequent behavior problems, poorer school performance, use more drugs and alcohol, and engage in sexual behavior at earlier ages than their peers from happy families.
* People in unhappy marriages have more sleep problems, more depression, more anxiety, and more irritability.
* People living in unhappy marriages have more frequent accidents, including automobile accidents.
In How To Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10 Step Reality Test for Your Marriage, we provide a “Marriage Test” and a “Marriage Bill of Rights” as tools to help couples open a dialogue and diagnose what the areas of their disagreement are and how they can take actions to resolve them. So it’s very important for you and all the members of your family that you do a reality check on your marriage, figure out what needs to be resolved if there are problems, and take those steps.
Your health depends on it.
About the Authors:
Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written How to Know if It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.

Transforming Your Marriage

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

By Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman
You feel stuck and blue. Your relationship is so far away from the great expectations you once had. You wonder if your mate feels the same but you’re afraid if you ask you’ll make things worse. You wonder “Can I make it better, or will I live in a zombie marriage that keeps stumbling forward forever?”
You can take action to make it better. You need to start right now; it’s day one—the first of 30 days to transforming your relationship.

Days One to Ten: Open the Dialogue
In the first ten days you need to decide if this is a rough patch that the relationship is going through, or if things are seriously off track. There are nine areas couples must agree on. You’ll find this in our book: How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10 Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. They are:
• money,
• sex,
• religion,
• parenting,
• relationships with extended family,
• use of drugs and alcohol,
• gender roles and household responsibilities,
• career issues,
• how you spend free time.
When you decide which ones are your trouble spots, pick the least controversial one, not the toughest, and ask your mate how he feels about it. If he will talk about it, that’s great. If he won’t, you can still take action. If you have a reluctant partner, you must take action on your own or there can be no transformation. Don’t accept victimhood. You’re too valuable for that.
For example, if you think your parenting is faltering and you get nowhere trying to talk about it, join a parenting group and get feedback from other parents. If you think your partner drinks too much, and you get nowhere talking to him, go to Alanon and talk with others whose partners drink too much. If you think your free time is a bore, make plans to do something you’d both like to do and invite your partner along. If he won’t go, invite a friend.

Days Eleven to Twenty: Take Positive Action
Too many marriages are only about responsibility and not about rights, privileges and fun. You and your mate are so busy paying bills, taking care of children, doing chores, and going to work, you forget you each have a right to affection. You forget you have a right to be treated with respect. Look at our Marriage Bill of Rights. Ask your partner which rights this marriage isn’t supplying for him. Listen, and let him know what you need also.
See if the two of you can take one small step. For example, tonight go to bed at the same. You each need companionship. Invite your mate on a date. Get a friend to babysit.
A marriage that’s off track needs both people to fix it. If your mate refuses to participate, you have a serious problem. Take The Marriage Test –
a sample is available here and the full version is in our book. You’ll see where the problems are.
Ask yourself what changes your partner has been repeatedly asking you to make. Make one. Has he asked you to lose weight? Has she asked you to be less harsh with the children? Do it to get a positive reaction.

Days Twenty to Thirty: Evaluate the Direction
Take stock. Are you getting anywhere? If things are going well, you’ve done a lot already. You’ve started making a long needed change your mate wanted. You’ve had a night or two out together. You’ve identified where the sticking points are. You’ve each tried to express something you long for. You’ve got a conversation going. Keep up the good work. It’s going to take plenty more effort, but the first thirty days are crucial.
If you’re not getting anywhere, you can take other actions. Speak to a counselor or clergyman to get some guidance. Try to get your partner to go with you. If he won’t, you go alone. Let him know that you are going.
Do something for yourself. Take a class, or join a gym, or a book club, a bowling league, anything that will make you feel good when you are acting independently. Feel the self esteem and freedom when you are with people who accept you and respect you. Not all marriages can or should be saved. This plan will help you to see whether yours can be.

# # #

Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who specializes in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships. He maintains private practices in New York City and Westport, Connecticut. Visit his website here. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known consultant specializing in conflict management. She is the chairman of the Dean’s Council at New York University’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development.
If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Originally posted at first30days.com

Forbes.com: Will Sandra Bullock Divorce Her Cheating Hubby? Don’t Bet On It

Friday, March 26th, 2010

Kiri Blakeley, 03.26.10, 02:00 PM EDT

ForbesWoman

Sandra Bullock is beautiful, smart, rich, talented and seems like a genuinely good person. It’s certainly baffling then that she’s been cheated on, especially since one of her husband Jesse James’ supposed–and most notorious–mistresses, Michelle McGee, is worlds away from the class act that is Bullock, who was raising James’ three children as her own. McGee, a tattoo model who has inked virtually every square inch of skin, even artfully posed for a photographer while licking a dagger and sporting a Nazi swastika armband.

James’ wife is, of course, a newly minted Oscar winner who, in an ironic twist of timing worthy of a well-written movie script, had been tearfully gushing about her supportive hubby at awards ceremonies for weeks leading up to the discovery of the betrayal.

TMZ and RadarOnline, among others in the peepshow media, are even reporting that James may be catching up to Tiger Woods in the quantity of affairs department, as a fourth alleged mistress crawls out of the chrome-cluttered recesses of James’ motorcycle body shop, which he seemed to use as much to tune up young biker models as to work on choppers.

The public, naturally, is behind Team Sandra.

“If you want to reconcile, Jesse, start by keeping your d*** in your pants! The same goes for Tiger and the rest of the infidels too!” is a typical public reaction, this one a post from Adrienne Smith on People.com.

“Sandra deserves so much better. Kick that arsehole to the kerb,” says Plixxx on Perez Hilton.

originally published at Forbes.com, Mar 26, 2010: Will Sandra Bullock Divorce Her Cheating Hubby? Don’t Bet On It

9 questions every couple should ask themselves

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Should you break up?

By Lisa Murphy

Ask yourself these nine questions before calling it quits

You’re tired of the fighting, the coldness and unkindness. Should you end your relationship or marriage, or is there still a possibility–however remote—that it can be saved? Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman, co-authors of How To Know If It’s Time To Go: A 10 Step Reality Test for Your Marriage developed the following questions for the person who believes she has tried everything to improve their seriously troubled marriage, but has had absolutely no success. If you can answer yes to each of these questions, then you may have exhausted all of your options.

Have I let my partner know how serious my level of discontent, is and that I am close to a breaking point, close to a divorce? You need to be completely honest, because there’s a lot to lose. “People become distant and angry because they hide their dissatisfaction, rather than bring it out in the open and try to work it out,” say Dr. Birnbach and Dr. Hyman.

Have I tried self-improvement that would matter to my partner? Have I tried going along with some of my partner’s insistent requests of me? “Be the best person you can be in every way,” they say. “That includes being a compassionate human being and a forgiving one. If you want that from your mate, be willing to give it—first.”
Have we tried spending more time with each other? Have we tried spending less time? If you’ve tried changing your day-to-day routine but it’s brought no positive changes in how you act with one another, that may be a sign that it’s better to part.

Have I taken steps to improve our sex life, if that is an issue? “Sex and affection are a kind of glue in a marriage,” say Dr. Birnbach and Dr. Hyman. “Marriages that survive need to find their way back from the physical distance that the dissatisfaction and tension has created.”

Have I tried getting a job to increase our income or to provide more stimulation in my life? Money, career and jobs are key issues that a couple has to have an agreement on in a satisfying relationship.

Have I tried stepping down from my career track or adjusting my ambitions? If your relationship comes second to your career, this may be a problem that cannot be fixed.

Have I talked to family and friends who are likely to be objective and neutral to get their perspective? People who know you both might have some refreshing observations about what you can do to fix your relationship challenges. If this exercise doesn’t offer any insight or new hope, however, that may indicate that it’s time to part.

Have we tried couples counseling? Have I tried individual counseling? Ideally, you should pursue counseling as a couple or alone for at least a year. “You can’t rescue a marriage all by yourself,” say Dr. Birnbach and Dr. Hyman. Professional counseling can provide relationship guidance and a neutral referee.

Have we tried a trial separation as an almost last resort? This can give you a good perspective on what life will be like without your partner—and it may not be so bad. “Don’t let yourself be taken in by the myths about divorce,” they say. “For example, lots of people fear that if they do end their marriage they will never have another mate.” Yet 83 percent of men and and 75 percent of women who divorce remarry. When you do enter into a new relationship, just be sure to look for—and offer—qualities that will ensure its success, such as responsibility, honesty, respect, and loyalty.

Originally published at Sympatico (Website) ( Canada )—> http://lifestyle.sympatico.ca/Relationships/should_your_break_up.htm?pagenumber=1