Womans Divorce

Is It Time To Go Your Separate Ways

How do you know if it’s time to go your separate ways or give your marriage another chance? So many people in the middle of a relationship crisis struggle with this decision. If you’re on the brink of divorce, the following article can give you some things to consider before you make your decision.

How to Know If It’s Time to Go
By Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.
Ann and Gary have two children. When Gary is home his major interest is watching sports TV. Ann longs to be more social with family and friends. She’d like to talk more with Gary. He says there is nothing much to talk about, and besides, she talks too much. Gary often criticizes Ann. He thinks Ann is too strict with their children. She thinks he’s uninvolved. Their lack of communication and closeness has spread to their sex life which is neither frequent nor enjoyable. She has lost respect for Gary, and feels he doesn’t treat her with respect. When Gary has aggravation at work, Ann no longer feels sympathetic. Ann feels the life has gone out of their marriage; it has become an empty shell. She may be right. Ann, like millions of married women, lies awake at night asking herself “Is this all I can expect out of life? Are we just going through a rough patch? Would I be happier if I divorced?” How does anyone having problems in their marriage, know if it’s time to go? Ending a marriage is one of life’s most difficult decisions. Before making it, a person should leave no stone unturned in trying to heal and bring life back to their marriage.
Try to Fix It
Open a dialogue: Ann needs to open a dialogue with Gary. She needs to be clear about  what she is troubled by. In our book, How to Know If It’s Time to Go, we offer a “Marriage Test,” a “Marriage Bill of Rights,” and “The Nine Areas,” these are the areas all couples must resolve differences in. With these tools Ann can identify where the strengths and weaknesses are in her marriage.
Ann must impress Gary with how serious their situation is. Many times a spouse won’t take the other seriously until they believe that, if things don’t change, it will mean the end of the marriage. They need to have a two way discussion in which they each express their disappointments and wishes for their relationship. Each needs to understand that they have to take some responsibility for getting to this low point. It can’t just be a blame game. If they can’t start communicating with each other, there is little hope that the relationship can improve.
Seek help
It would be ideal if Ann could convince Gary to go with her to speak with a counselor or a clergyman, or join a marriage support group. If he won’t, she should go alone. To fix the marriage both people will need to make changes, but Ann can’t control Gary. All she can do is make changes she can make which might help their relationship. After trying to do what she can, if nothing changes, she should deal with her fears of
separation.
Deal with Your Fears
People fear the impact that separating will have on their children, their finances and themselves. Most of what they fear is not what happens for the vast majority of people, although life’s routines are disrupted during a transition period after separation.
The facts: Here are facts that would be helpful for Ann, or anyone considering divorce, to know:
75% of women remarry; 83% of men remarry
most children’s school performance and behavior improves within a couple of years of their parents’ unhappy marriage ending
within a few years, most men’s and women’s standards of living rebound to approximately where they were prior to divorce
most divorced fathers live near their children, see them regularly, and reliably pay child support
two thirds of all divorces are initiated by women; the major reason women give for ending marriages is their husbands’ unwillingness to mature or change
most divorces are settled amicably, not in court.
Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written HOW TO KNOW IF IT’S TIME TO GO: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.

Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation.By: Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D. & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.Troubled marriages make people sick. It may be your mental health that suffers, or it may be your physical health, or both, but, one way or another, troubled marriages make you sick. Research consistently proves that men and women in troubled marriages, and their children, suffer physical and mental ailments at a far higher rate than either the general population or people in happy marriages. Your family’s health suffers whether you and your mate argue openly, or you sweep your differences under the rug.Every couple argues sometimes. What’s injurious to people’s health is when the arguments are frequent, and, most important, remain unresolved. Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation. What they don’t realize is that years of stifling your real feelings and your own point of view take a toll. You and your whole family pay a price for your accepting disrespect from your spouse, and behaving with excessive self denial.That price is likely to be your physical and/or mental health.

Here’s what research has proven about the connection between marital discord andfamily health:* After a couple argues wounds such as cuts take 40% longer to heal than normal.* Women who have critical husbands suffer increased frequency and severity of lower back pain, headaches and arthritis.* After a heart attack the likelihood of having a second one is twice as great among people in troubled marriages.* Men in unhappy marriages have weaker immune systems than men in happy marriages.* People in troubled marriages have a higher frequency of periodontal disease, high blood pressure, obesity, stomach ulcers, premature signs of aging, and type-2 diabetes.* Children and adults from families with troubled marriages suffer much greater frequency of colds, stomach aches, asthma, rashes, headaches, and diarrhea.* Children from families with troubled marriages exhibit more frequent behavior problems, poorer school performance, use more drugs and alcohol, and engage in sexual behavior at earlier ages than their peers from happy families.* People in unhappy marriages have more sleep problems, more depression, more anxiety, and more irritability.* People living in unhappy marriages have more frequent accidents, including automobile accidents.

In How To Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10 Step Reality Test for Your Marriage, we provide a “Marriage Test” and a “Marriage Bill of Rights” as tools to help couples open a dialogue and diagnose what the areas of their disagreement are and how they can take actions to resolve them. So it’s very important for you and all the members of your family that you do a reality check on your marriage, figure out what needs to be resolved if there are problems, and take those steps.About the Authors:Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written How to Know if It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.Is It Time To Go Your Separate WaysHow do you know if it’s time to go your separate ways or give your marriage another chance? So many people in the middle of a relationship crisis struggle with this decision.

If you’re on the brink of divorce, the following article can give you some things to consider before you make your decision.How to Know If It’s Time to GoBy Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.Ann and Gary have two children. When Gary is home his major interest is watching sports TV. Ann longs to be more social with family and friends. She’d like to talk more with Gary. He says there is nothing much to talk about, and besides, she talks too much. Gary often criticizes Ann. He thinks Ann is too strict with their children. She thinks he’s uninvolved. Their lack of communication and closeness has spread to their sex life which is neither frequent nor enjoyable. She has lost respect for Gary, and feels he doesn’t treat her with respect. When Gary has aggravation at work, Ann no longer feels sympathetic. Ann feels the life has gone out of their marriage; it has become an empty shell. She may be right.

Ann, like millions of married women, lies awake at night asking herself “Is this all I can expect out of life? Are we just going through a rough patch? Would I be happier if I divorced?” How does anyone having problems in their marriage, know if it’s time to go? Ending a marriage is one of life’s most difficult decisions. Before making it, a person should leave no stone unturned in trying to heal and bring life back to their marriage.Try to Fix ItOpen a dialogue: Ann needs to open a dialogue with Gary. She needs to be clear about  what she is troubled by.

In our book, How to Know If It’s Time to Go, we offer a “Marriage Test,” a “Marriage Bill of Rights,” and “The Nine Areas,” these are the areas all couples must resolve differences in. With these tools Ann can identify where the strengths and weaknesses are in her marriage.Ann must impress Gary with how serious their situation is. Many times a spouse won’t take the other seriously until they believe that, if things don’t change, it will mean the end of the marriage. They need to have a two way discussion in which they each express their disappointments and wishes for their relationship. Each needs to understand that they have to take some responsibility for getting to this low point. It can’t just be a blame game. If they can’t start communicating with each other, there is little hope that the relationship can improve.

Is It Time to Go Your Separate Ways?

People fear the impact that separating will have on their children, their finances and themselves. Most of what they fear is not what happens for the vast majority of people, although life’s routines are disrupted during a transition period after separation.The facts: Here are facts that would be helpful for Ann, or anyone considering divorce, to know:75% of women remarry; 83% of men remarrymost children’s school performance and behavior improves within a couple of years of their parents’ unhappy marriage endingwithin a few years, most men’s and women’s standards of living rebound to approximately where they were prior to divorcemost divorced fathers live near their children, see them regularly, and reliably pay child supporttwo thirds of all divorces are initiated by women; the major reason women give for ending marriages is their husbands’ unwillingness to mature or changemost divorces are settled amicably, not in court.

Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written HOW TO KNOW IF IT’S TIME TO GO: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage.

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